The Ties That Bind

The house felt so cozy and warm today, all the simple things of our house, from the frilly lace kitchen window curtains to the abundance of books and stuffed animals, the gentle country feel of our garden, the snoozing cat and dog. All the colors seemed brighter today, and I thought of our son and his words of insight and wisdom to my husband and I last night. I was trying to remember everything he said, as tears were streaming down his face. My son and I were in a three car collision two days ago. We hit a car that was trying to pass to the right of the car in front of him, a car that had come to a full stop to let two young pedestrians cross at the pedestrian walk. This made it look to us that traffic was moving,so we hit him. Everything went into slow motion and then seemed to speed up just at the last second before impact. We were all right, but as it turned out, my son hit his head going forward at impact and the seat belt bruised my chest internally enough to make my heart think it was having a heart attack. I did not realize any of this until the police were gone, the insurance agent called, witnesses gave their statement to the police and the tow truck towed away our badly damaged car. My son was so calm and focused at 22, so protective of me. He did most of the talking to the very patient and kind police officer and he made all the phone calls to the insurance agent, he talked to the tow truck driver. I called my good friend of 17 years, Brenda, and she came and took my son and I and our dog home.
As we were waiting for her, I noticed my son had a cut on his forehead, that my hands were shaking and that my chest was hurting. I got really nauseous, feeling like I would get sick, but I manged to suppress it. The next day, trying to relax I only started to feel more tense and suddenly my heart felt like it was being compressed to about an inch with intense pain and I got very nauseous this time. I finally convinced my husband to take me to the emergency room, as our doctor who we had seen earlier in the day felt we seemed to be OK up until that point had already left his office for the weekend. So my husband and I left the house super irritable and snappy with each other. As emergency rooms go, we left around 5 p.m. and were home at 11: 30, exhausted but relieved that the EKG and chest x -rays and blood work checking for enzyme counts all turned out normal. The doctor gave me a Cyclobenzaprine tablet for the muscle spasm around my heart, and a Lidocaine and Milk of Magnesia cocktail for the persistent nausea. We got home relieved ,but drained and somehow we picked up the  argument where we had left it before we went to the emergency room. My son suddenly had had enough. He started talking about how tired he was of us getting into dumb arguments that were circular and always seemed to draw him in, making him feel like he had to choose sides. He said it was selfish and unfair of us, and wanted from now on to be treated like an adult, thus with respect due an adult of the family. He reminded us we loved each other, made us hold hands and look at each other and tell each other we forgave each other the accusatory childish and repetitive arguments we used to deal with stress, asking not to be interrupted, as it was our turn to listen to him now. I was so proud of him, so impressed with his wise  words and keen psychological insights into the dysfunctional pattern we would fall into when trying to resolve differences. He stayed on course not pointing out what frustrated him about us individually, but as a couple, that would take to behave like our own parents' and their terrible marriages. He said we were better than that, that he did not want to be put in the middle of these pointless arguments that could be settled by talking to each other like adults. It was humbling to realize the young man in front of us was our son, and that he had at least  as good insights as we did, and he had the words to express them. I felt sad that we had let him down in this area, and I was encouraged at the same time, because I was listening to profound insights into my husband and my 29 year old marriage. I told him I thought he was right, and that I would try harder to communicate with my husband and my husband said he would, too. I  was so glad to see that brave side of my son articulated so well after the last two stressful days. Our son made us think of how we had to be careful no to repeat the mistakes our parents made, had to learn to communicate effectively and healthily, without resorting to manipulative tactics pulling him to one of us, pulling him in to making him feel he had  to choose a side. That is not fair he concluded. We quietly drank our tea and went to bed. The next day I woke to feel totally relaxed, content. We may come from dysfunctional families, but as our son pointed out, it was time to move forward and shake off the poison of our upbringing. He was so articulate, so precise. The warm feeling I had wrapped itself around me like a soft blanket, the feeling of gratitude, of belonging, of realizing the importance of counting our many blessings, of truly recognizing that what we had in each other as a family was a gift not to be taken lightly, a gift as our son pointed out so many people have to do without, or only get to experience in part or not at all, due to abuse, poverty, addiction, illness, war. My home with my son and husband never felt more precious than today, because our son had pointed out what really matters is to respect the love that holds us together, to respect the ties that bind, with courage, compassion and a kindness that does not allow itself to be seduced by pride and ego. We had been the irresponsible child, and our son had reminded us what being a true adult is all about. It was an impressive lesson, one he taught us with fierce yet kind determination. I feel it sticking to my heart like gorilla glue. From here on out the path goes forward, not sideways or backwards. My husband and I felt like two old fools, which we definitely were. I am hoping that we are now well on our way to be a pair of humble souls in training, heeding our son's wise scolding as a lucky break.