The Mask

Human relationships are complex and technology does not change that. Social media are wonderful tools to enhance the possibilities that relationships bring, but I recently learned that the openness of modern communication only brings to the foreground the intricate complexities of human nature and human interactions. I am an extrovert and I tried very hard to make a connection, a friendship with a person who on the outside was an extrovert but on the inside very much an introvert. Now, social media allow us to almost instantly have connections that involve conversations, dialogues, comments, opinions, concerns, passions, that can bring us closer but can also push us apart. I have come to understand after a friendship I tried to bring about to a thriving, blossoming experience that not all of us are comfortable without our masks. This particular friend was someone with experience in theater, someone who on the surface of things enjoyed the drama of human interaction, and I mistakenly thought he would also enjoy the openness on a personal level, something I enjoy very much. But my friend did not. For quite some time, a couple of years actually, I thought that my friend was just rude, or indifferent. I realized too late that he was a person who prefers to keep the mask on all the time, that was his comfort zone. I am very comfortable without my mask, but it definitely was a mistake to assume and expect he would remove his mask. Now that I realize this, I am trying to figure out how to communicate this late realization in a tactful manner. Of course, I was aware of the difference between people who are outwardly directed versus people who are shy and inwardly directed, even when seemingly outgoing or gregarious. I think the mistake I made was thinking that social media would somehow change that well known reality. It was wishful thinking, and it was short sighted and selfish. Because the technology is so willing, so on the cutting edge and so forward and outward looking, I assumed that people who communicate through it are outwardly motivated too. A lot of them are, as I find out, and this can build closer connections between people who care about each other as family, as friends, and who are kept apart physically through distance geographically or very busy lives. But I am learning that the proverbial tiger does not change his or her stripes. Friends who are quiet in person are likely to be cautious and quiet on line. Masks are intriguing, and have been around for thousands of years in all cultures. They are worn to mourn, to celebrate, to deceive, to honour, and I think in the European culture I grew up in, it was the ancient Greeks who made the mask acceptable as an extension of our identity, our persona, that is the projection we want people around us to see. It may not be who we are, but we all have the need to have a buffer around us, some more elaborate than others, but we all have some form of mask we wear either all the time, or some of the time. Some people have many traumatic experiences and the mask they project around their persona is very crucial in their ability to function. In one of the recent National Geographic magazines there was an article that dealt with very stunning photographs of traumatized war veterans who as part of an innovative therapy approach were encouraged to make masks for themselves showing how the injuries they suffered physically and especially mentally, made them feel. The masks were shocking, bold, raw, but they were amazingly effective in communicating how the person felt. Our masks are mostly invisible, but they are there. I know, because what I did to my friend that cost me his friendship was I tried to convince him to remove his mask. He was obviously not comfortable revealing his soul, and some people just never are. The masks we have are important, they make us feel safe. My friend was jovial enough on a superficial level, but became very uncomfortable when I was interested in learning what made him the intelligent, talented person he is. Technology makes us feel, obviously erroneously, that people too come in parts that we can take apart and put back together. But we are far more complicated than that, and my exuberant personality pushed past the comfort zone of my friend and he walked away, angrily, too. It did not matter that I thought he was being arrogant and self important on an issue I thought he should have been more sincere about. It mattered that I made him feel ill at ease and ultimately angry because I was expecting him to feel the same way about the problem as I did. I should have known better. My husband of 29 years is a confirmed introvert, and yes, it took us many, many years to find a comfort level with our disparate temperaments, but we did. Had I been a little less eager, a little more patient and accepting, I might not have lost a new found friend with whom I was just beginning to build a more solid connection carefully taking shape after almost 3 years. Instead, I let my hot head get the better of me, trying to convince a fellow human of the error of their ways. I was pulling at his mask, and he pulled back firmly tucking his mask in place. I can only hope that this humbling experience for him will be forgiven , and that this humbling experience for me will make me wiser and kinder in the future.