Detour

Lebanese poet and novelist Kahlil Gibran once said something that has haunted me ever since I read his words when I was about thirty: " My loneliness started the day I realized people were praising me for my weaknesses, and despised me for my virtues." That razor sharp observation seems, to this day, to fit me on more days than I care to recall. And it has made me realize, a little late in life, how much energy, hope, joy one can lose, misdirect, when we have a shy heart that is slow to learn how to have its needs met. To this day, it is far easier for me to take care of others, rather than making sure I am OK. Now, surely, being kind and considerate of others is a very good thing, God knows the world has no shortage of narcissists, but to be able to figure out your own needs and have them met is a key ingredient to a balanced life. My mother did her very best to ignore me, to pretend I was not there, to treat her oldest daughter as competition best denied. She was a true narcissist who adored herself, and made sure she came first, and that she was the center of attention. I  never learned that I was valuable, pretty, smart, talented, at least not from her. So, I grew up always trying to please people, especially when trying to figure out dating. So, when I married at age 29, I continued doing the same thing, please, be quiet, anything to make sure I was acceptable, liked, loved. I married a good man, but with a very strong will, and it took me a good twenty years to feel like I was and am his equal. My own dreams and talents were put on hold, and it took the tragic disintegration of my parents' marriage, and sisters' lives, to wake up completely out of that narco sedation, that had me completely numb to my own heart and spirit. Talk about a detour. I am finally writing, a dream I have had since I was 17, and I am 55 now. As parents, as spouses, we really should try to respect each other's individuality and not plough over our loved ones identities. The walk back from that can be bitter and very painful. I got lucky, and all the years that passed I ascribe to lessons learned. So, nowadays I might be more solitary, but I am no longer lonely, because I am in touch with my own heart and soul. And nowadays, I do get praise for my virtues. and yes, my weaknesses get a kick in the rear too, when needed. It feels a whole better than the other way around. It took a lifetime to get there, a lot of sorrow and tears, but I am just grateful I  made it in one piece. Don't be shy, don't hide your beauty, your soul, your heart and talents, let no one take advantage of you.  That is what I tell myself now, and now I smile when my 6 foot 7 son tells me ," No one messes with you, isn't that right , mama?" And nowadays, I assure you, no one does.