The day's light softens into shades of blue shadows
that yawn shyly into the blanket that will become the dark of night.
My eyes pencil in the contours of fading trees and sky, as birds flee
towards the comfort of nest and warmth.
Words are hanging like insects caught in spider silk,
as I think of all the times silence was the only way
to cut through the threads of my concerns,
floating on the breeze of quiet, broken wing.
Here, now, within, without, with you near, with you far,
there are no answers to be found, only whispers to brush aside,
as night settles its velvet black around my heart and mind,
tired, relieved, sure footed on wet and heavy steps,
that go around and up, far beyond where I can see.
The roar inside me, all around me, as silence pats me on the shoulder
to go inside, to be where home is safe and bright, and dreams
let me slumber peacefully at last, a child safe from harm and past,
I hear the whispers sweet of innocence beside me, her song light and free.
No words are necessary, I see them float past me, sentinels past the dark waves,
as I stand resolutely on land, strong, proud, my shield and sword resting by my side.
Trudi Ralston.
November 23rd, 2016.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Breakdown
My husband and I have been married for 30 years now. No small thing in an age where impatience and instant gratification of the ego are at an all time high. I have of course heard the saying that if you hang in there long enough, and have a basically decent relationship, that it gets better with time, that getting older together with someone you love and have lived with for a very long time can be very tender and very satisfying. Now that I have reached that respectable milestone in my own marriage, I have to agree. I feel like my husband and I have reached a plateau of peace and happiness together that is quite enchanting. Of course we have days we get annoyed with each other, you can get annoyed with anyone you live with over time, but there is a gratifying feeling of camaraderie , of understanding that is very pleasant. It made me wonder why it would be that such a feeling would only happen after having stuck through thick and thin for so many years. I have been thinking about this for over a year now, and it finally occurred to me : the breakdown of the ego. In the best case scenario, happiness in marriage comes with the breakdown of the ego over the course of the years together. To lose one's ego in the pursuit of family and relationship harmony and happiness is the result of the willingness to let the relationship and the family unity have precedence over personal pettiness and selfish objectives and objections. Marriage is the ultimate Buddhist training. Now this sounds far fetched, and perhaps terribly old fashioned, but I think that is beside the point all together. To learn to like someone you love, to overcome differences in temperament, energy, communication, libido, viewpoints politically and culturally and socially, is a long term process that requires enormous patience, persistence, humility and ultimately, a measure of compassion and wisdom. I did mean it when I said that the ability to breakdown the ego in marriage was the best case scenario. The worst case scenario in marriage is the breakdown of identity, which is the result of emotional and physical abuse, and which should end in divorce, because no one is worth losing your identity and dignity over, and in the worst of cases, your life.
I am talking about good marriages, where people try very hard to get along, to compromise reasonably, to be respectful, supportive and kind. Those marriages thrive because of the mutual willingness to break down the ego. It is an arduous process to be sure, but in the end , a very rewarding one. One of the key ingredients in the recipe for that gradual breakdown is a healthy sense of humour, towards oneself and towards one's partner. A second important ingredient is tolerance. Tolerance is not submissiveness. Tolerance and humility go hand in hand. To accept that your partner of so many years has opinions vastly different from your own, to accept they have at times vastly different tastes, dislikes, longings, passions. To learn from those differences, to celebrate them, is a learned skill, but one well worth the time and effort. Another element that is crucial in this breakdown of the ego is forgiveness. Holding grudges is very destructive to happiness in long term relationships. Honesty is also essential, no matter how distasteful or difficult it can be at times. Communication is always a challenge in any relationship, let alone a relationship that covers a life time. But be it as difficult as pulling teeth at times, trying to put your best foot forward in communicating issues great and small is ultimately very freeing and therapeutic. I know the notion of " ... and the two shall be as one... " when it comes to marriage is considered outrageously outdated. But over the years I have come to understand that this idea of two becoming one is a direct reference to the idea of the need to break down the ego in both partners in order to achieve the harmony that happiness requires of those who have the stomach to make the leap into the goal of maintaining a healthy long term relationship. The presence of children in that relationship only deepens the need for that breakdown of the ego. The willingness to lose oneself in the dedication to partner and children, while of course also staying true to the pursuit of one's own talents and dreams, is one of the most amazing personal journeys one can undertake. To be part of a team, with or without children, and to persist in that team successfully, fully, happily is very satisfying and creates a deep, profound peace deep in the heart and soul. True, there are times of frustration, exhaustion and doubt, but in the end, the view at the top of the mountain is well worth it. To be one as two has a bliss to it that reaches beyond problems, beyond fears, beyond setbacks, and in the end, beyond time itself.
I am talking about good marriages, where people try very hard to get along, to compromise reasonably, to be respectful, supportive and kind. Those marriages thrive because of the mutual willingness to break down the ego. It is an arduous process to be sure, but in the end , a very rewarding one. One of the key ingredients in the recipe for that gradual breakdown is a healthy sense of humour, towards oneself and towards one's partner. A second important ingredient is tolerance. Tolerance is not submissiveness. Tolerance and humility go hand in hand. To accept that your partner of so many years has opinions vastly different from your own, to accept they have at times vastly different tastes, dislikes, longings, passions. To learn from those differences, to celebrate them, is a learned skill, but one well worth the time and effort. Another element that is crucial in this breakdown of the ego is forgiveness. Holding grudges is very destructive to happiness in long term relationships. Honesty is also essential, no matter how distasteful or difficult it can be at times. Communication is always a challenge in any relationship, let alone a relationship that covers a life time. But be it as difficult as pulling teeth at times, trying to put your best foot forward in communicating issues great and small is ultimately very freeing and therapeutic. I know the notion of " ... and the two shall be as one... " when it comes to marriage is considered outrageously outdated. But over the years I have come to understand that this idea of two becoming one is a direct reference to the idea of the need to break down the ego in both partners in order to achieve the harmony that happiness requires of those who have the stomach to make the leap into the goal of maintaining a healthy long term relationship. The presence of children in that relationship only deepens the need for that breakdown of the ego. The willingness to lose oneself in the dedication to partner and children, while of course also staying true to the pursuit of one's own talents and dreams, is one of the most amazing personal journeys one can undertake. To be part of a team, with or without children, and to persist in that team successfully, fully, happily is very satisfying and creates a deep, profound peace deep in the heart and soul. True, there are times of frustration, exhaustion and doubt, but in the end, the view at the top of the mountain is well worth it. To be one as two has a bliss to it that reaches beyond problems, beyond fears, beyond setbacks, and in the end, beyond time itself.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Past Forward Barry Ryan Style
One of my all time favorite songs has always been the 1966 song " Eloise " by Barry Ryan.
I first heard and saw it on our black and white television in 1968. I was 11 and completely spellbound by the passion and energy of the song. It stuck to the bottom of my soul like super glue. It just stayed there, unmovable for all time. Every so often I listen to it, to kind of jump start my sense of still being young and relevant. Today I found a version Barry Ryan did in 2013. I hesitated for a moment. Did I want to see an older, middle aged Barry Ryan? Then I decided, sure, why not? If I can accept myself getting older, then why not accept a heartthrob got older, too?
I was pleasantly surprised. Still dressed all in black, the singer's voice was undiminished, as was his energy and passion. He seemed completely comfortable with his short grey hair that with the passage of the years had replaced his lush, long black hair. But the face still looked young, and he looked healthy and fit. He seemed happy with himself and where he was. It was very reassuring. He apparently had no interest in being anyone but himself. His voice intact, strong, powerful. It was past forward, Barry Ryan style, cool, slick, as fresh and cutting edge as ever. " Eloise " is such a unique song, in its depth of the emotions and the power of its passion. That he can still sing this song of youthful passion with such conviction almost 50 years later is very encouraging. The heart and its dreams and longings have no age, no time limit. The song is amazing in that it describes both the depths and heights of passion all in one song with flawless transition and no self pity or hesitation. It is raw and tender all in one. One of the best love ballads ever, both rich in existential anguish and spiritual surrender and longing. In that sense it is art at its best. It is a true gem of both a unique time in musical revolution combined with the beauty of a song that will always also be timeless, breaking both the barriers of its time and times to come. No wonder I wanted my name to be Eloise after I heard that song as a short haired shy eleven year old. Barry Ryan's " Eloise " will live and be loved forever. Who does not want that ?
I first heard and saw it on our black and white television in 1968. I was 11 and completely spellbound by the passion and energy of the song. It stuck to the bottom of my soul like super glue. It just stayed there, unmovable for all time. Every so often I listen to it, to kind of jump start my sense of still being young and relevant. Today I found a version Barry Ryan did in 2013. I hesitated for a moment. Did I want to see an older, middle aged Barry Ryan? Then I decided, sure, why not? If I can accept myself getting older, then why not accept a heartthrob got older, too?
I was pleasantly surprised. Still dressed all in black, the singer's voice was undiminished, as was his energy and passion. He seemed completely comfortable with his short grey hair that with the passage of the years had replaced his lush, long black hair. But the face still looked young, and he looked healthy and fit. He seemed happy with himself and where he was. It was very reassuring. He apparently had no interest in being anyone but himself. His voice intact, strong, powerful. It was past forward, Barry Ryan style, cool, slick, as fresh and cutting edge as ever. " Eloise " is such a unique song, in its depth of the emotions and the power of its passion. That he can still sing this song of youthful passion with such conviction almost 50 years later is very encouraging. The heart and its dreams and longings have no age, no time limit. The song is amazing in that it describes both the depths and heights of passion all in one song with flawless transition and no self pity or hesitation. It is raw and tender all in one. One of the best love ballads ever, both rich in existential anguish and spiritual surrender and longing. In that sense it is art at its best. It is a true gem of both a unique time in musical revolution combined with the beauty of a song that will always also be timeless, breaking both the barriers of its time and times to come. No wonder I wanted my name to be Eloise after I heard that song as a short haired shy eleven year old. Barry Ryan's " Eloise " will live and be loved forever. Who does not want that ?
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Seamless
How glorious the days of seamless skies within warm clouds and sun.
Sighs deep and warm, content and calm, under the clear dome of day, bright and blue.
Home with my husband and our son, intact, unthreatened, unbent, untouched by fear or harm.
My clan, my pride, my happiness, my hope, together, no rip or gap within, without.
How I treasure those glory days when all is well, as we are together, one blood, one name.
Time flows like water, warm, clear, abundant, free, underneath our firmament of crisp, white stars.
I hum, I sing, my voice one within the small world that is mine and yours and ours.
A circle smooth and strong, with no ridges, no repairs, no dullness or fractured edge.
How glorious the days of seamless skies within warm clouds and sun.
Would they were the only ones I need to know, today and all days to come.
Because I know all too well the days of broken seams and gaping sky,
with wounds to heart and soul ringing in my ears and mind,
and no reach long enough to close the opening above,
that stares down into my eyes, a ravenous wolf with nowhere else to go.
How glorious the days of seamless skies,
when I look up and feel only endless, timeless joy
as we are three, in our small, red, happy home.
Trudi Ralston.
November 6th, 2016.
For Michael and for Nicholas.
Sighs deep and warm, content and calm, under the clear dome of day, bright and blue.
Home with my husband and our son, intact, unthreatened, unbent, untouched by fear or harm.
My clan, my pride, my happiness, my hope, together, no rip or gap within, without.
How I treasure those glory days when all is well, as we are together, one blood, one name.
Time flows like water, warm, clear, abundant, free, underneath our firmament of crisp, white stars.
I hum, I sing, my voice one within the small world that is mine and yours and ours.
A circle smooth and strong, with no ridges, no repairs, no dullness or fractured edge.
How glorious the days of seamless skies within warm clouds and sun.
Would they were the only ones I need to know, today and all days to come.
Because I know all too well the days of broken seams and gaping sky,
with wounds to heart and soul ringing in my ears and mind,
and no reach long enough to close the opening above,
that stares down into my eyes, a ravenous wolf with nowhere else to go.
How glorious the days of seamless skies,
when I look up and feel only endless, timeless joy
as we are three, in our small, red, happy home.
Trudi Ralston.
November 6th, 2016.
For Michael and for Nicholas.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Bright Star
Time is elusive in some ways, making us feel we can stay ahead of its dance
that pulls us along as the years go by, a fast train with no return track.
For nearly 25 years now you have been a bright and steady star
to all who experience your skill and warm, kind heart.
Absorbed by the constant demands of your surgeon talents,
you make sure all who cross your path feel loved and dignified
with their worries and concerns, time has not gotten the better of you
with its schedules and rules that can forget what matters most.
In your eyes I see more and more with each year that passes by
the wisdom of both joy and sorrow that mark their presence in your heart.
A poet once said that great souls have two hearts, one that beats and one that tolerates.
So is your heart to me, big and strong enough for two, so it can handle all it sees,
all it feels, all it keeps silent inside, for that is how love that overflows for all goes.
That is you to me, now, and how you will always stay, forever busy, forever kind,
with time for all, holding close all you learned, all you see, all you feel for those you heal,
young and old, in that generous heart of yours that at times cannot bear the weight of life and death,
as you keep what spills over in your eyes, that are so deep, and know so much, and love and hurt with things they cannot tell.
Bright star, shine on, I sense you in the night sky and in my smile when ever I get to see you,
and wish with all my heart that you and I were sisters once upon a time.
Trudi Ralston.
For Dr. Laurie T. Sorenson.
that pulls us along as the years go by, a fast train with no return track.
For nearly 25 years now you have been a bright and steady star
to all who experience your skill and warm, kind heart.
Absorbed by the constant demands of your surgeon talents,
you make sure all who cross your path feel loved and dignified
with their worries and concerns, time has not gotten the better of you
with its schedules and rules that can forget what matters most.
In your eyes I see more and more with each year that passes by
the wisdom of both joy and sorrow that mark their presence in your heart.
A poet once said that great souls have two hearts, one that beats and one that tolerates.
So is your heart to me, big and strong enough for two, so it can handle all it sees,
all it feels, all it keeps silent inside, for that is how love that overflows for all goes.
That is you to me, now, and how you will always stay, forever busy, forever kind,
with time for all, holding close all you learned, all you see, all you feel for those you heal,
young and old, in that generous heart of yours that at times cannot bear the weight of life and death,
as you keep what spills over in your eyes, that are so deep, and know so much, and love and hurt with things they cannot tell.
Bright star, shine on, I sense you in the night sky and in my smile when ever I get to see you,
and wish with all my heart that you and I were sisters once upon a time.
Trudi Ralston.
For Dr. Laurie T. Sorenson.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Zomba Prison Project : I Am Alone.
This morning, looking for interesting albums in world music on Bandcamp, I came across two albums from Malawi, both under Zomba Prison Project, done in the maximum security prison there that is desperately overcrowded and in need of the most basic supplies, to raise money and awareness for the 2000 prisoners there, in a facility that was built to house 430 inmates. The songs, done by both prisoners and prison officers, are spellbinding in the warmth of the feelings and the depth of sadness they express. You do not need to speak Chichewa to appreciate the humanity the songs convey. The first of the two albums, " I Have No Everything Here", was nominated in the Best World Music Album for the 2016 Grammys and both albums were produced by Grammy winner and author Ian Brennan. The second album, " I Will Not Stop Singing" has a song titled " Everything Has An Owner " in which the singer and the melody reminded me of the warmth and richness of Harry Belafonte's voice and songs. I was surprised at the power, hope, dignity and will the songs generated, and how the voices reverberated through my house and heart with resilient energy, giving testimony to the musicians' determination and humanity under what are undeniably horrible prison conditions that are apparently no stranger to absence of the most basic necessities for days at a time, like food. Go to Bandcamp and buy one or both albums. The money goes directly to Sister Anna who is in charge of providing assistance to the prisoners. One of the songs on the first album has a stunning song called " I Am Alone " and is sung by a woman with a crystal clear voice that rings into your heart and mind across the distance of continents and oceans. You forget that the setting is a grim prison. Both the albums are amazing in the beauty of the heartfelt songs, the fierce dignity of the singers who seem undeterred by their circumstances, who seem to melt the prison walls with their courage to face unbroken the reality they are dealing with. The songs do not linger on bitterness, anger and loss, but on love for life. The songs also speak of love for family left behind, in melodies that are tender and heartbreaking, such as in the haunting song " Please Don't Kill My Child ", on the album " I Will Not Stop Singing ". Even without knowing the circumstances or understanding the language, the song is spellbinding in the most chilling way. Instead of doubting life, the songs want to affirm it, inspiring the listener in an honest and humble but never shy or uncertain way. A beautiful project! I think I will not only purchase the two albums, but will also surprise gift them to a friend far away who will be delighted and intrigued. I know I am. The rain and grey clouds seemed to melt away as I was listening to the songs that also inspired a renewed sense of perspective and determination into my own challlenges.The best way to say thank you to the muscians is to let them know I heard their songs, their voices by supporting their cause across the miles shortening the distance from their hearts to mine.
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