Breakdown

My husband and I have been married for 30 years now. No small thing in an age where impatience and instant gratification of the ego are at an all time high. I have of course heard the saying that if you hang in there long enough, and have a basically decent relationship, that it gets better with time, that getting older together with someone you love and have lived with for a very long time can be very tender and very satisfying. Now that I have reached that respectable milestone in my own marriage, I have to agree. I feel like my husband and I have reached a plateau of peace and happiness together that is quite enchanting. Of course we have days we get annoyed with each other, you can get annoyed with anyone you live with over time, but there is a gratifying feeling of camaraderie , of understanding that is very pleasant. It made me wonder why it would be that such a feeling would only happen after having stuck through thick and thin for so many years. I have been thinking about this for over a year now, and it finally occurred to me : the breakdown of the ego. In the best case scenario, happiness in marriage comes with the breakdown of the ego over the course of the years together. To lose one's ego in the pursuit of family and relationship harmony and happiness is the result of the willingness to let the relationship and the family unity have precedence over personal pettiness and selfish objectives and objections. Marriage is the ultimate Buddhist training. Now this sounds far fetched, and perhaps terribly old fashioned, but I think that is beside the point all together. To learn to like someone you love, to overcome differences in temperament, energy, communication, libido, viewpoints politically and culturally and socially, is a long term process that requires enormous patience, persistence, humility and ultimately, a measure of compassion and wisdom. I did mean it when I said that the ability to breakdown the ego in marriage was the best case scenario. The worst case scenario in marriage is the breakdown of identity, which is the result of emotional and physical abuse, and which should end in divorce, because no one is worth losing your identity and dignity over, and in the worst of cases, your life.
I am talking about good marriages, where people try very hard to get along, to compromise reasonably, to be respectful, supportive and kind. Those marriages thrive because of the mutual willingness to break down the ego. It is an arduous process to be sure, but in the end , a very rewarding one. One of the key ingredients in the recipe for that gradual breakdown is a healthy sense of humour, towards oneself and towards one's partner. A second important ingredient is tolerance. Tolerance is not submissiveness. Tolerance and humility go hand in hand. To accept that your partner of so many years has opinions vastly different from your own, to accept they have at times vastly different tastes, dislikes, longings, passions. To learn from those differences, to celebrate them, is a learned skill, but one well worth the time and effort. Another element that is crucial in this breakdown of the ego is forgiveness. Holding grudges is very destructive to happiness in long term relationships. Honesty is also essential, no matter how distasteful or difficult it can be at times. Communication is always a challenge in any relationship, let alone a relationship that covers a life time. But be it as difficult as pulling teeth at times, trying to put your best foot forward in communicating issues great and small is ultimately very freeing and therapeutic. I know the notion of " ... and the two shall be as one... " when it comes to marriage is considered outrageously outdated. But over the years I have come to understand that this idea of two becoming one is a direct reference to the idea of the need to break down the ego in both partners in order to achieve the harmony that happiness requires of those who have the stomach to make the leap into the goal of maintaining a healthy long term relationship. The presence of children in that relationship only deepens the need for that breakdown of the ego. The willingness to lose oneself in the dedication to partner and children, while of course also staying true to the pursuit of one's own talents and dreams, is one of the most amazing personal journeys one can undertake. To be part of a team, with or without children, and to persist in that team successfully, fully, happily is very satisfying and creates a deep, profound peace deep in the heart and soul. True, there are times of frustration, exhaustion and doubt, but in the end, the view at the top of the mountain is well worth it. To be one as two has a bliss to it that reaches beyond problems, beyond fears, beyond setbacks, and in the end, beyond time itself.