A Whiter Shade of Pale

There are probably few people who grew up in the rock and roll generation that are not familiar with Procol Harum's famous song, "A Whiter Shade of Pale", released by the British band on May 12th, 1967. It is a song I remember hearing as a rather lonely 10 year old, not comprehending its words or meaning, but recognizing it for its haunting emotional quality and inherent sadness. Today, it was playing on the classic rock station I was listening to in the car as I was sharing with my 20 year old son my anxiety about finding my way back on an unfamiliar road home, now that his job address changed. I thought back with quite a bit of frustration and anger mixed with sadness, how my parents had ignored my social needs, among them, my driving, and how that has haunted me my whole adult life, causing quite a bit of anxiety as to my technical self confidence and mobility. I manage now, but I still don't drive on freeways, or at night, or out of town on my own. My father was too busy to notice my distress as a teenager, and my mother was way too worried about her hair and clothes, and next boyfriend, to have any "spare" time to concern herself with something so "minor", as her oldest daughter social and emotional well- being. Damned that whore, I was fuming today, as I steeled my resolve to get going on an unfamiliar road, and managed to get home, relieved, happy. I quickly got in the house, and text ed my son, to make sure he knew I was OK. If you have children, or are young enough to plan on having children, pay attention to them, or don't have any kids. They are not furniture, to be dusted off when ever you remember they are around. Your action, in-action, affect them directly and can leave scars that can last a lifetime. I fight every day against things that are second nature to most 16 year olds in this country. So many times I wanted to go places, but was locked in fear and insecurity. It has gotten better with time, but it will always be a struggle, and my talents for writing, art, travel, took a serious dent over the years, as I was often unable to get where I needed to go on my own and was too embarrassed to ask for help or none was available, to get to a new friend's house, to church, to a poetry meeting. It left a numbing, stupefying sadness, and frustration, that I deal with as it comes up. Confiding about this is embarrassing too, people look at you like you are some kind of mental case. So, today, I got another taste of that challenge, and today, with my husband's and son's support and a renewed sense of dignity and confidence, I made it. A Whiter Shade of Pale. I know that song is supposed to be sexual in its intentions and mood, but to me it always takes me back to a lonely childhood, and how that mark makes me struggle for visibility, and make me noticed, even though my soul feels very pale, clear, not as in oh, yes, I can see you, but as in, very pale, a whiter shade of pale, I don't see you.