The Upgrade

Dreams tend to run in patterns. My dreams are no exception. I have dreams that are just sheer fun, often involving exotic adventures, that can take place in the distant past or distant future. Those dreams are exhilarating and make me wake up energized and intrigued, hoping for a sequel. Other dreams are not so pleasant  and always involve trying to get in touch with my family, and failing. The only one I successfully connect with in those family dreams is my father, who always plays a protective role. He passed away in February of 2008, and in the dreams he appears as a kind spirit, trying desperately to help me make contact with my brother, sisters and mother. Last night, I had a dream I was traveling in Canada, trying again to make contact with my family. Now, in the past, I was always trying to call my family, by payphone, and I never had the change needed to make the call, and when I did, I could not find a payphone anywhere, and when I could, I was unable to get through. For years the pattern was the same. No one wanted to help me, and I would wander around looking for a kind stranger to help me make the call. What I realized this morning when I woke up, was that in the last year or so, in my dreams dealing with reconnecting to my family, I now carry a cellphone. So, my brain has made the adjustment to the updated technology. I initially thought that switch would enable me to make contact with my family easily in those troubled dreams. But that is not what is happening. The upgrade technologically did not change the dreams, I still cannot get through. I am in an area with no cellphone reception, or the battery is low, I cannot find the charger in my purse anywhere, cannot find anywhere to charge it. When the cellphone does work, I get no answer. The realization of this made me really excited. The new technology is obviously a renewed attempt to facilitate outreach and the ultimate goal of connecting, but the outcome of the dreams does not change. I have no idea of knowing if it ever will. But the phenomenon is fascinating to me. There is a bittersweet message there, that there is definitely hope in new technology, but it does not change the basic existential conundrum of the human condition. I personally enjoy the new technology very much. I love being able to e- mail messages to my friends in far away places, to be able to communicate with cousins in Belgium I have not seen over 30 years, to get to know my nieces in Belgium and Texas, one of whom I have never met, to share my stories world wide, to daily send messages to my son and husband, to share pictures, ideas. It is wonderful. I obviously long for that closure with a troubled family history, but the resistance and failure of the new technology to succeed in my dreams about my family is very telling. Some wounds of the soul and heart cannot be fixed like a car engine. In my dreams about the distant future, flying cars and magnetically guided trains are very capable of getting me to my exciting destinations, but these are just fun adventures. In the family dreams the technology is now updated in a very clever shift of my brain, but the trauma has not changed, so until it does, the technology in the dreams cannot oblige. Very sobering, and very intriguing. But I am sure as stubborn as I am, that I will keep trying. That does not make me sad. It makes me actually quite hopeful.