Past Forward

Every couple of months, I call my aunt Lieve in Oostende. She is in her mid seventies, strong, independent, who as a single woman etched out a successful career in the social welfare system and helped hundreds of people. Incorruptible, hyper intelligent, possessing a warm heart and a razor sharp mind, I have looked up to her since I was a child. I treasure our phone calls, and even though we are on opposite sides of the planet when we talk, it feels like she is standing right next to me. She is a realist but with a tireless optimistic streak, and I have learned to chase away more than a number of grey clouds in my heart by recalling her wit and humour and resilient spirit. She is re- introducing me to my father's family, to his parents, his sisters, my cousins, and indirectly, to myself. Learning about her childhood, the challenges she faced growing up without a father who died when she was not even 5 years old, and the challenges and rewards of her career, her knowledge of politics and of history, are a never ending source of delight and learning in our phone conversations. Through her, I have also been fortunate to get to know my father's sisters children, my cousins. I missed out on getting to know my cousins on my father's side because my mother did not enjoy spending time with his family. It often made me sad as a child, and it felt always like a part of me was missing. Now I talked for the first time to a cousin I had not seen or talked to since I was 17. We talked for two hours. The distance across time and space melted away. She lives in one of my favorite seaside towns in Belgium, a place I have very fond memories of. I also talk once in a while to another cousin, a retired hairdresser, a sweet guy, who I also have not seen in more than 35 years. Over time, the short conversations with him that initially were awkward and only lasted about 15 or 20 minutes, now last about an hour. It makes my heart so glad. This morning the thought " Past Forward " came to mind. Instead of retrieving the past going backwards in time, I get to retrieve it going forward. By knowing about my aunt's and cousins' lives now, I get a piece of the puzzle that helps me understand who I am and why I am. Some personality traits overlap, of perseverance, of humour and resilience, of compassion and a thirst for understanding and learning. It is the best feeling in the world. One of my cousins wants to come visit with her daughter, and I am so excited, I feel like a child on Christmas Eve. I can never recover the time we lost as children, but I can enjoy the time still in front of me to love my aunt Lieve and my cousins, to get to know them finally, to understand, to embrace, to be grateful. I have lost more family than I care to think about most days, and some pessimists will insist I now can never go home again. But as long as I am breathing and above ground, and can move " Past Forward " freely now, I sure as hell am going to try my very hardest. The thought of meeting my aunt and cousins in person again after all these years, back in my country of birth, and hug them and talk to them face to face will be totally awesome and will complete the at times bewildering journey for me that is taking me from the past to the future to finally end up back to the present where I belong, free and at peace.