No Man's Land

When I was about ten, I read a Flemish translation of an 1878 French novel by Hector Malot. It tells the heartbreaking story of a child who loses his family and wanders around for years trying to figure out where they are and it left a lasting impact on me. The Flemish title to the original " Sans Famille " became " Alleen op de wereld ", literally meaning " Alone in the World ". The title in English became " No Man's Boy ". In the story that involves a lot of loneliness amidst the wandering and traveling, animals become important companions. I have since early adolescence had a real affection for animals, and since my husband and I got together 36 years ago, we have had 9 dogs and 4 cats, so far. I have enormous respect for the love and empathy animal companions are capable of. Each day I walk our current dog, a female Flemish Bouvier - Black Labrador we adopted from a local no kill shelter 4 years ago when she was 3. I walk her in the early evenings, as she is high strung and is easily upset by other dogs. So our walks together are very solitary as most people are busy eating dinner when I take her. I often think of the  " No Man's Boy " story. Even as a child I had to deal with solitude. I was a serious child who liked to read from an early age on, and reading was a way to escape the solitude from two parents who had very busy social lives, and younger siblings who were not interested in my serious nature. As a child I felt drawn to this serious story that seemed to speak of my own struggles, even into the future, when it came to hanging on to what would become a shattered family, that ultimately would be nothing but a dusty ruin. Today again, the book that hypnotized me as a child came back to mind, as I walked down a very quiet street where the only companions for my dog and I were the houses and the trees. Destiny is a strange thing, if it is at all. But I cannot shake the feeling that some patterns in our lives seem already outlined, if not concretely, then in our subconscious intuitions and inclinations. Like a tune we hear once when we are very young and that we can hear at different times in our life's journey and that leads us like a siren to the path that we cannot seem to avoid. A song that is both unnerving and reassuring in a nauseous sort of way. As I am walking my dog each day, it is intriguing to me that the image of the young boy in " No Man's Boy " walking alone with his dogs and his monkey would remind me of me walking alone in a land that in many ways is not mine, looking for the ghosts of my family lost in the journey of this big, vast land. Just like the young boy Remi was looking for his family, like a character in a novel, I keep looking for the family I lost. I imagine I will take a walk and see my father coming towards me, or my youngest sister. I know this will not happen, but the identification with Remi as a person gives me the emotional sensation that I could reverse time and find my family to be still alive. On the days I walk our dog alone it is a very strong feeling, and it is so strange to me that the story of the wandering boy that so impacted me as a child would now be a script that I carry not only in my memory but in my walking steps and that I feel beat in my heart and breath. Remi 's story had a good ending, he ultimately is reunited with his family. My story has a good ending too, in that I found a good husband and have a very kind son. So the days I get to go walking with them, the ghosts are still there, but they are friendly. Yet on the days I get to walk our dog by myself, I look forward to the ache of hope that this could have been the day I find my family again.