Titanic

There is an article in one of the recent  2012 National Geographic Magazines about the Titanic that has very graphic pictures of the destruction the massive cruise ship suffered  when it collided with an iceberg a hundred years ago. The pictures had a strange effect on me, one that made me want to put the article and the magazine away, where I would forget where it was. I succeeded, because now I really can't find it. When I was in therapy after my family imploded, one of the most annoying and disconcerting physical symptoms of the induced emotional trauma,  was  the nausea, when remembering certain things. That nausea has disappeared for 99% of the time, but when it overtakes me, it is still very upsetting and unnerving. I am never sure what will bring it back briefly, and I certainly was surprised that the last time it happened, it was brought on by the pictures in a National Geographic Magazine. I was not even sure what it was I was reacting to. Why would pictures of a huge, supposedly indestructible ship bother me? I tried to forget about it, but it sure stayed in the back of my mind. About four months later, I remembered the incident again. This time around, I felt I had some idea at least as to why I had experienced such a physical aversion to the huge motor parts and huge pieces of the hull photographed at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. My family had seemed indestructible to me , when I was growing up. The gradual, ruthless, searing disintegration of my parents' marriage and the acid rain like fall out for my siblings and I, had left me incapable of any emotions for quite some time. There was no rage, no sorrow. There were no words, no tears. Only emptiness and disbelief. When I finally got the benefits of therapy, and I started to understand what happened, I was able to slowly unravel the protective cocoon  of indifference. The result was a deep nausea, a feeling of being pulled into an abyss, that took all my will to resist being swallowed by. Now, I understand the revulsion I feel whenever I think of the pictures showing very detailed pictures of the horrific destruction of the unsinkable Titanic. The Titanic was not supposed to break, or sink, or kill anyone. But it did, in a most horrible, nightmarish way. My family was not supposed to fall apart, but it did. In a most horrific, nightmarish way. Some day I may be able to look at the magazine article again, without feeling like I am drawn in to the maw of a very ugly, merciless monster. It will be a while, I know, so for now, the National Geographic that has the article and pictures on the Titanic, remains blissfully lost.