Lessons Learned

Once in a while a neighbor will discover I am from Belgium originally, and show some interest in what they think it must be like to be a first generation immigrant. Often the person will assume I came over here to better myself economically, or to escape political repression, neither of which are the case. My father was a very successful self-made CEO, who made a lot of money and provided very well for his wife and us four children. Well enough to be able to pay for four years of private college in the US for all four his children. Belgium has a very good social and political democratic system that takes very good care of its citizens. No one goes bankrupt paying for college for their kids, or for trying to pay off huge hospital bills. So, no, I did not better my financial and social security by immigrating to the US. But, 37 years into this American adventure I have learned some very valuable and apparently necessary lessons. Our family looked perfect from the outside, successful financially and socially, four good and smart kids, status, connections, a beautiful home. However, as time went on, it became apparent our family was riddled with serious problems that eventually tore it completely apart. As I was going through my daily routine of laundry, dishes, making beds, feeding and cleaning up after our three pets in our modest, cozy home here in Olympia, I realized how many important things I have been learning. Humility, patience, kindness, tolerance, resilience, determination, respect. Humility as an upper middle class kid towards every one who works hard for a living, who is not born with a silver spoon in their mouth, who with energy and resolve works towards a better life for themselves  and their families. Patience in reaching goals, patience in resolving conflicts and issues that my father would have resolved with saying, "How much?" Kindness towards myself and everyone around me who did not have the same opportunities or experiences. Tolerance for different lifestyles, different goals, different dreams. Resilience in reaching goals that require bridging at times huge gaps in approach, in philosophy, in culture and background. Determination when dealing with setbacks from college tuition for my son, to getting the best price or mechanic for fixing one of our used older cars that broke down yet again. Respect for skills that are far different than mine, respect for the mechanic, the electrician, the school cook, the gardener. My father, who was a self made man, once told me something I always remembered: " Have at least as much respect for the man who taught himself to play the harmonica as you have for the intellectual who understands the subtleties of a Mozart concert." In other words, respect every one's efforts, every one's intelligence, no matter how different from your own abilities. Respect the worker as much as the artist, the cook as much as the college professor, the man in the mansion as much as the woman feeding her family in a humble row house. His wisdom in these matters has proven invaluable. For someone who grew up in luxury as the daughter of a CEO, who ended up in much humbler circumstances, a love and respect for every one's abilities and talents has proven invaluable. And as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, I often appreciate others ' tolerance of my weaknesses and resultant struggles. This week, my husband and I bought a 2004 Buick Le Sabre for sale in Renton, near Seattle. Simple enough, right? A logistical nightmare for us, because of my agoraphobia when it comes to freeway driving. But, because I have been blessed with a wonderful friend and neighbor, Brenda Barron, who I met when our sons were both in Kindergarten back in 1998, we were able to get the car, because she drove one of our cars with me as a relieved and grateful passenger. She never questions my weakness, my problem, she just helps whenever it is needed. The human connections, that have allowed for deep and lasting friendships that span big differences in background, culture, education, skill, have proven to be a treasure trove in my journey in this challenging, complex country. I may speak and write four languages fluently, have studied six years of ancient Greek and Latin, have a graduate degree in Spanish literature, traveled all over the world, but without my faithful, compassionate friend Brenda, my graduate degree educated husband and I would have been in a real jam, because he is technically very adept, so self reliant, he has never invested much in human connections, so without reaching out, things would have been really frustratingly difficult. I have learned that we as humans in this experience called life, are all one, are all members of the same journey that becomes so much more valuable and rich when we understand we are not only on the same journey, just different paths, but also we are the same family, no matter what most people say about that part of it.