Happy Holidays

The rain has been coming down steadily this past week, making for a balmy rather warm Christmas season. I love rain, it makes everything smell so earthy and fresh, and for some reason, it makes me feel safe, secure. One of our live Christmas trees on our patio has brightly colored lights on it, casting a pleasant, warm red glow at night, which our big Bouvier Labrador dog seems to enjoy as she likes to sit outside and cool off after dinner. I feel light and comfortable this Christmas, a welcome sensation after years of feeling melancholy and anger after all the tragic deaths in my family in the last decade. All the angry monologues to my dead mother are finally silent, and a deep sense of acceptance and peace has taken over in the last two years, which makes me take a deep breath of both gratitude and almost giddy relief. I finally have reached the end of that long, dark, lonely tunnel of coming to terms with the infuriating past. My Christmas will be quiet, with just my husband and our son, but it sure will be cozy, with great food and a profound sense of happiness with our small but very loving family. I cannot deny that it is not hard still emotionally to see neighbours and friends talk about all their family get togethers with brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, cousins, nephews and nieces. But over time, the hurt is making space for the memories of being a child in Belgium who did know a large, gregarious family, before it all started morphing into disconnect and alienation. For those of you who have large families that you get to visit over the Holidays, enjoy! I know, they drive you nuts half the time, but family is everything. Take it from someone who no longer has one. The hole that leaves never closes, you just get used to the winds blowing through it, the gusts of loss, chafing your soul down to its sinews. But, I am used to that empty feeling. I have a few friends who have no family near for the Holidays,and who live alone, and some who live alone and have no family at all. Their resilience sure makes me feel wealthy in my little cozy home with my husband and son, as we cook our delicious turkey dinner, and my husband and son make my husband's famous biscotti as a crackling fire in the fireplace warms the heart and soul, with our trusty dog Yara and kitty Tigger snoozing in their baskets nearby. Happy Holidays. Gratitude that becomes a habit sets the heart free, brings peace where before torment raged. And that is a wonderful feeling. A feeling of acceptance that brings the gift of peace. Peace that is defined not by the absence of wounds and regrets, absences and losses, but a peace that is there right alongside those challenges, a peace called consistent abundant inner freedom. I find it to be the best Christmas gift you can give yourself and those around you. Peace on earth, and peace to all of good will. That is what I feel now when I say or hear the words "Happy Holidays", and my heart skips a happy beat.