Once

There is a song by the super band "Pearl Jam" that gets to me every time I listen to it. "Once " is a very powerful song shared in a very powerful way by the lead singer of the band, Eddie Vedder, who is known for his strong vocals and lyrics. The song is about a man's descent into madness as he becomes a serial killer. The way Eddie Vedder sings this controversial ballad is impressive, with a voice raw with passion and power. It is simply chilling. As the Holiday season takes hold and with it its seesaw of emotional elation and blues, the song is cathartic to me, a tonic for the heart and soul that like an effective hangover potion gets rid of any self pity or delusion I was nursing at the time. We are all complex, contradictory, often infuriating creatures that can drive our loved ones and ourselves to distraction like toys that come with all the wrong instructions. "Wind here, put this screw here, pull this lever to the left for full motion". Yeah, right. If only it was that simple. I know I am not put  together that smoothly, or kept together that smoothly either. Kind of like mannequins you see in store display windows, where you see the best side, and not the awkward pins in the back holding the striking outfit the doll is wearing together. We are all like Janus, one side very pleasing, the other side of us, not so much. The rage Eddie Vedder is able to generate when he sings " Once " makes me feel more accepting of my own shortcomings, thus making me more accepting of the shortcomings of those around me and with me. Our society is so desperate to polish, gloss everything, from our wrinkles to our personalities, that ugly is no longer acceptable. But ugly, weak, struggling, revolting even, are part of the human condition. We don't have to deify it, but we are not doing ourselves and anyone else any favours by whitewashing all kinks in our systems. Maybe that is why I feel so drawn to the voice of Pearl Jam's lead singer, he embraces passion in all its uneasy and often contradictory expressions. He is not afraid to tackle depression, fear, alienation, madness, rage and channel them into amazing songs that touch to the core. I saw my family torn apart by deceit and power, illness, death and selfishness. Very ugly traits indeed, that left me in a dark tunnel for nearly 10 years. On the other side of that tunnel now, I can see that accepting my own rage as well as the rage of those around me was an important part in the healing process. It was about at that time that Pearl Jam's songs started to truly deeply resonate with me. When I am by myself at the height of the sweetness of the Holiday Season I like to listen to " Once " and sing as loud and powerfully as I can along side Eddie Vedder and cleanse myself of any illusions that I am anything more than a very confused human trying to make sense of my life and life in general, and that if I need anything at all this Christmas it's an extra dose of humility, kindness and compassion.