On my side

My neighbour Karen's funeral was last Friday, less than a week ago. It feels like it was a year ago, and there are flash seconds where it feels like her funeral was just a few seconds ago, and like my husband and I are still there, crying, hugging her son we knew so well as a child. The famous song by the Rolling stones, " Time is on my side, yes ,it is, time, time is on my side"... ran through my head like a refrain, both haunting and comforting. Time is the ultimate enigma in this construct we call life. You see what it does, to buildings, as they slowly crumble, whether it be over a period of decades or hundreds or thousands of years. You see what time does to people, as they show signs of aging, or illness, or the ultimate signature of time having run its course in a human, as they lay still and ice cold in a coffin. Time is the ultimate magician. It eludes, speeds forward, slows down, it nearly drove Einstein mad with its confounding trappings for most of his life. Time can heal, it is true. It can heal wounds, both physical and emotional. It can cover great distances, on land, on sea , and nowadays in space. It is a great artist, shaping the colours and scents of our memories. Absence makes the heart fonder, as the saying goes. But it is not the absence, it is the time the absence dresses itself in that changes our perception of events, of people that left an imprint on our heart or soul, whether for better or for worse. There are days I feel like time is on my side, like I will be able to traverse the distance from the wasteland of my dreams to the oasis of where I can pick up the pieces of those dreams and make something beautiful with what I could retrieve. Other days I feel like time is a mirage that laughs at my stubborn steps forward. Then there are days where it feels like time just is someone hanging around, like a house guest you are slowly getting tired of, and are tiptoeing around politely, dropping hints about when they might move on. Time. The ultimate ninja. The invisible god who steals our resolve, our strength, our health, our loved ones. OK, time can and does add wisdom to those who heed its lessons, it does add grace, kindness and insight when we let it. It gives perspective through its passage in human history, it can calm rage, pain, impatience, doubt, fear. But to me, time is a complete mystery, and like all mysteries it has more things about it that are unknown than known or knowable. and because time is shrouded and will not let us see its true face, we tolerate it, hoping it will eventually reveal itself completely. Until then, time will continue to mess with our existence, in small ways and devastatingly big ways, as we convince ourselves that it is and will stay on our side.   

The Funeral

A few days ago my husband and I attended the funeral of a neighbour who together with her husband and their family have been living next door of us ever since we moved to our house 26 years ago. The funeral was a celebration of our neigbour's life, of her devotion to her family and her faith. There were flowers everywhere, pink lilies and pink roses, surrounding the beautiful white coffin at the viewing, at the altar and near the refreshment table at the entrance. There was a spirit of optimism in the face of loss, a focus on the abundance of family, friends, on the comfort and strength faith gives at times like these. I have lost a lot of family, so the emphasis and presence of so much family with children, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles, cousins, nephews made an impact. The songs were uplifting, as was the message of love and connections beyond death and loss. I was deeply moved.
It got me to think about the importance of ritual in our lives, of how rituals help us accept the profound mystery that is the human predicament. I was raised a Catholic, and still remember the strong scent of the incense during mass, the richly embroidered robes of the priests during important religious holidays, like Easter Sunday. This funeral was LDS, and I loved the emphasis of family, on families meeting again in the heavenly realms. I learned about Hinduism and Buddhism from friends in college and friends on the path of life after college. I remember being profoundly impressed when attending a Jewish synagogue, so rich in its intellectual and historical depth. I remember Muslim friends of mine in graduate school speak with deep devotion about the Koran. All major religions are steeped in traditions,in rituals to maintain and celebrate these traditions and their attachment to convictions about life and death. I have been a member of a black Baptist church for over 20 years, I go long stretches in between church visits, but each time I go back, I am deeply moved by the soul moving beauty, depth, and mystical power the music and energy and joy creates. It is always a powerful, life affirming spiritual experience. I am a spiritual person who finds nourishment for my soul in being close to nature, in solitude, in the restorative power of prayer in the quiet of my heart.
I am also an agnostic, very much aware of a healthy dose of suspicion towards a belief system that denounces intelligence in exchange for blind faith, which in extreme cases of course leads to the dissolution of the separation between church and state, like what is happening with extreme Islam now, and extreme Christian fundamentalists, who reject scientific facts and findings such as evolution and global climate change. Blind faith tied to extremism leads to horrific crimes, of war and genocide in the name of perverted and twisted convictions. But this funeral was serene and very beautiful, very heart warming. I realized that it does not matter that we as humans have doubts about the meaning of our existence on this earth, with its challenges and heartbreaks, its cruelties, its wars and horrible diseases, with poverty, addictions and despair and hunger. Religion and its faith are a way to come to terms with all of that, some more enthusiastically than others. To me, as one who is interested in the spiritual process and its ability to enhance compassion and kindness in the best of cases, but not blind to the weaknesses and abuses of organized religions,spiritual rituals are fascinating. We celebrate births, baptisms, marriages, even death, in so many different ways depending on our churches. Whether all there truly believe in these rituals seems unimportant to me. To me what fascinates me is the phenomenon, is the fact that we try. And I think the most beautiful expressions of these rituals and their context are often seen in those with a healthy dose of skepticism. It is our vulnerability as humans, spiritually, that keeps us sincere, strong, wise and loving. And that makes sure we do not become arrogant and dangerously judgmental about matters of faith. because when we do, we show a most despicable part of our hearts and beings. And when we stay humble and open minded, we show the best and most hope giving part of ourselves, the part of our being that transcends and connects us all in a loving, inclusive way. 

The Sopranos

I had heard of course of the well known and highly praised series " The Sopranos", but somehow had never taken the time to watch any of the episodes. I am not sure what prompted me to change my mind 8 years after the series final season. Perhaps it was James Gandolfini's untimely death, perhaps it was just curiosity after hearing so much about the series from other people. I guess I finally decided I wanted to make up my own mind. I am about halfway through the 6 season series, and I am fascinated. There must be thousands of movies about the Mafia out there, but the genius of James Gandolfini capturing the complexity of human nature when it comes to nuances in good and evil is completely mesmerizing. The tension the search for balance creates in the Tony Soprano character as a Mafia boss so flawlessly and precisely portrayed by James Gandolfini is sheer brilliance. He is not a mindless brute bent on power and wealth, he is a complicated, highly intelligent, highly intuitive man with a master's touch for strategy and leadership. He is ruthless with his enemies, and kind and generous with his family and friends. People fear him, but they also love him and want to be loved by him. The sessions with his psychiatrist, played so exactly by Lorraine Bracco, are really, really interesting. His complex and infuriating relationship with his mother gets all of our sympathy, so does his endless effort to come to terms with his love for his wife and his appetite for volatile girlfriends. Tony Soprano is larger than life. His robust physical presence only enhances his charisma, furthering the conviction this man can shoulder anything ,and he does. You root for the guy, you want his redemption, you want to see him walk away from his criminal enterprises intact, a new man, wiser, stronger , kinder. At this point, I do not know if that happens, but I sure hope so. It is always tempting to view the Mafia as clear cut evil doers, but this series completely disarms any notions of preconceived conclusions. One of my favorite characters is Tony Soprano's wife, Carmela, played by Edie Falco. Carmela is a resourceful, strong, patient, kind and decisive mother and spouse, who constantly tries to focus on the good in her husband, without surrendering her own identity. She fights for their son and daughter, for happiness, for dignity, even for the inconvenience of the truth in her marriage, in her social standing. She wants her children to be free of the dangers of the life her husband is involved in and so does her husband. Their marriage is complex, and again, you want them to succeed, for each other, for their children. The stress the duality creates in Tony Soprano when it comes to his illicit business and criminal life is very believable. You see him having panic attacks, you see him lose his temper in anguish and frustration, you hear him talking to his therapist, you see him at home, with his wife and children, trying  to make sense out of the chaos he is surrounded by on a daily basis and that he fiercely tries to shield from his family. His struggles are totally believable, you feel you are in his shoes the way he is able to so closely reveal his heart and soul. I am thoroughly enjoying the Sopranos marathon I am finally indulging in. There are also brilliant touches of humour, which only enhance the humanity of the story regardless of the often ruthless context and circumstances. 

La Goutte D' eau

Doux et chaud, le temps passe, passager muet
sur le chemin avec ses fleurs et arbres qui accumulent les heures de notre vie.
Le soleil et le vent taquinent les araignees sur leurs ponts dansants.

Tu restes la, dans un coin deguise de mes yeux,
imagine, reel, perdu, present, riant, soupirant.
Je te touche avec les doigts de mes reves,
ou coulent les rivieres de mes espoirs.

Chacun dans son coin du monde, ton haleine le ciel
ou on se retrouve dans les machines du futur.
Comme la goutte d'eau sur le rocher lui penetre,
le dessin de ton voyage sur cette terre laisse sa signature
a cote de la mienne, a cote du mystere du destin.

La distance un ritme dans notre tete, le parcours ou
on pourrait se trouver se vide comme un desert mort et perdu.

Je mange la goutte d'eau comme tu bois le sable
qui s'accumule entre nos pieds, tetu et dur.

Trudi Ralston.
October 5th, 2015.
Pour D. O.