On my side

My neighbour Karen's funeral was last Friday, less than a week ago. It feels like it was a year ago, and there are flash seconds where it feels like her funeral was just a few seconds ago, and like my husband and I are still there, crying, hugging her son we knew so well as a child. The famous song by the Rolling stones, " Time is on my side, yes ,it is, time, time is on my side"... ran through my head like a refrain, both haunting and comforting. Time is the ultimate enigma in this construct we call life. You see what it does, to buildings, as they slowly crumble, whether it be over a period of decades or hundreds or thousands of years. You see what time does to people, as they show signs of aging, or illness, or the ultimate signature of time having run its course in a human, as they lay still and ice cold in a coffin. Time is the ultimate magician. It eludes, speeds forward, slows down, it nearly drove Einstein mad with its confounding trappings for most of his life. Time can heal, it is true. It can heal wounds, both physical and emotional. It can cover great distances, on land, on sea , and nowadays in space. It is a great artist, shaping the colours and scents of our memories. Absence makes the heart fonder, as the saying goes. But it is not the absence, it is the time the absence dresses itself in that changes our perception of events, of people that left an imprint on our heart or soul, whether for better or for worse. There are days I feel like time is on my side, like I will be able to traverse the distance from the wasteland of my dreams to the oasis of where I can pick up the pieces of those dreams and make something beautiful with what I could retrieve. Other days I feel like time is a mirage that laughs at my stubborn steps forward. Then there are days where it feels like time just is someone hanging around, like a house guest you are slowly getting tired of, and are tiptoeing around politely, dropping hints about when they might move on. Time. The ultimate ninja. The invisible god who steals our resolve, our strength, our health, our loved ones. OK, time can and does add wisdom to those who heed its lessons, it does add grace, kindness and insight when we let it. It gives perspective through its passage in human history, it can calm rage, pain, impatience, doubt, fear. But to me, time is a complete mystery, and like all mysteries it has more things about it that are unknown than known or knowable. and because time is shrouded and will not let us see its true face, we tolerate it, hoping it will eventually reveal itself completely. Until then, time will continue to mess with our existence, in small ways and devastatingly big ways, as we convince ourselves that it is and will stay on our side.