Here I Go Again

I have always had a fondness for Bob Seger's songs. There is a melancholy to them that brings back my years as an undergraduate student at TCU in Fort Worth, Texas in the late seventies. On the way back from my son's college here in Olympia, the Evergreen State College, the Bob Seger song "Turn The Page", from 1973, came on the radio. The song is all about road weariness as a rock star traveling between concerts. It is heartfelt, honest and hits a nerve with anyone who has ever tried to accomplish a dream in the face of exhausting schedules, challenges and lob sided odds. "Here I go again, playing star again,... turn the page...", wearily sings Bob Seger. Yes, playing star again. Playing being the key word for me. I am so proud of our son being a junior at Evergreen State College, one of the best liberal arts colleges in the Pacific Northwest. I can share that pride with very few people, as my family shrunk considerably over the years. As an immigrant form Belgium, with no family left except a few kind older aunts there, and no family connection with my inlaws, there are many times I wish I could share my triumphs and challenges that may seem ordinary to many, but to me and my husband and son are the result of great discipline and effort. My father was a highly paid CEO and we lived exceedingly comfortably. He paid for all four of his children, that being myself, my brother, and my two younger sisters, to have a four year college degree from TCU. My life became very different after my family fell apart, and my life style is modest now. I am very proud of our son and how well he is doing, having graduated with honors from high school, with high honors from the South Puget Sound Community College here, and entered ESC now this fall with a tuition reduction because of his high GPA. The only person I can share that with back in Belgium, who can appreciate the context, is my father's youngest sister in Oostende, who has known me since I was born in 1957. I talk to her once every 3 months or so, and it makes me proud I can tell her what is happening, what our struggles and victories are. For those brief moments, I feel like a star. I do not feel like I am playing a star, which is how I feel most of the time , as I have very few references. That alone-ness makes things harder, and can lead to sadness and a longing for more than a very strong faith in oneself and one's own energy. I am glad I am blessed with my husband and son and even if they do not often verbalize that they appreciate my relentless efforts and encouragements, at least I see the rewards. But I suppose it is only human to want to share your triumphs and your goals. I recently saw that great movie again, "My Big, Fat Greek Wedding", ( 2002 ) a heartwarming story about a young guy who marries into a gregarious Greek- American family. It always tears at me, to see this guy falling into this great clan. That did not happen for me, and it did not happen for my husband, and our son. Our family motto is " All For One, And One For All". My son even did a drawing about that for us. We are a clan, of three, and I try to make it as cohesive and worthwhile and strong as possible. That is no game. But, there are times, when giving in to fantasy and perhaps illusion, that I wish we were part of a larger clan where our challenges and triumphs would go noticed, where we could go on stage, so to speak, and play the part where we get some praise and applause. So, Bob Seger's song is bittersweet to listen to. I am road weary on more than one occasion, like a traveling singer, and often feel unnoticed and even invisible, and his feeling of just going through the motions again, playing star, ring true to me. Except in my case, it is playing the part of the invisible, unseen, unnoticed, displaced immigrant, playing star again. Star, in my own mind, because if it wasn't for a bit of an inflated sense of self-importance and even a healthy dose of vanity, I might just want to bow out of  the show I put on for myself and perhaps a kind little fairy somewhere.