Och, Was ik maar bij moeder thuis gebleven

For some reason an old Dutch song that I hadn't thought of in ages came to my memory. It is a song that became hugely popular in Belgium and the Netherlands in 1961, and is still popular today, by a Dutch singer by the name of Johnny Hoes, who passed away two years ago. The song is a sentimental story of a young enlisted soldier who falls in love only to discover his beloved blue-eyed  blond girlfriend decides to leave him for his platoon commander, making him wish : "Och, Was ik maar bij moeder thuis gebleven": "If only I had stayed home with mother". It is a lighthearted song, but with a  hint  of bitter-sweetness, because of the disappointment it describes of the betrayed young soldier's heart. I remember hearing the song play many times on popular Flemish and Dutch radio stations, like the popular Dutch station Radio Veronika, hugely liked to this day. Why this song would come back to my mind made me wonder. Then I understood today that to me it refers to a broken heart as well, but the heartache of someone who leaves their motherland to meet and have to overcome many challenges, only to ask at times, why did I make my life so complicated by leaving my native country in the first place? To me the " moeder" in the song is my native country, Belgium, that I left when I was 19. Having lived in the US for 37 years now has been an amazing journey with experiences I never could have had ,had I stayed in Belgium. The friends I met that allowed me to travel to exotic places, to experience so many different cultures, languages. The chance to study overseas, to learn yet another language when I started studying Spanish, the wonderful years in graduate school at the University of Texas in Austin, where I met my American husband and friends I am close to still, my marriage of 27 years now, my son Nicholas, becoming a Tae Kwon Do black belt trained by a 9th degree Korean Grand Master, becoming and being a member of my African American church for 19 years now, my experience dealing with Animal Rights in this country and taking in abandoned and unwanted dogs and cats for going on 28 years now, and the experience on a daily basis of making the US my home are irreplaceable. But there are times I wish I could speak my native Flemish tongue, that I could visit the house where I grew up, that I still had family left, that my family had not been torn apart, that I could be seen in context, and be appreciated for what I have accomplished and survived. As it is , there are very, very few who know or care and I soldier on virtually invisible. Who knows what my life would have been like had our family decided to make a go of it in Belgium. Maybe it would have been OK, or wonderful, or maybe completely ordinary and irrelevant. Still, the song in my head makes me wonder what it would be like to have a close, loving family all close at hand, sharing life together. I do not know my husband's brothers' children, neither does my son. I have not seen my sister's daughter since she was 3, and she is 16 now, and I have never met her 13 year old brother. I have never met my brother's 21 year old daughter, or seen his son since he was 11. He is 26 now. Thank God for Face Book, because I can talk to my sister's daughter and see what a beautiful girl she is and how happy she is with her school, life and friends. I have also met this way my brother's daughter who looks so much like him, and who has a sensitive, artistic heart. Perhaps our family would have fallen apart anyway, as there was already much wear and tear on my parents' unhappy marriage. It was fun to listen to and see the song on a YouTube video of 1987, seeing the original singer perform the lighthearted song at an event sponsored by Radio Veronika Nederland. The grass is always greener on the other side. Maybe. Or perhaps it just feels a little softer underfoot.