Dusty silence

The weather this afternoon is absolutely gorgeous for a late September day. It is warm, sunny, not a cloud in the turquoise sky, a barely noticeable sweet breeze scenting the air. The weather is just dreamy. It is early afternoon, and there is a silence about that I have not experienced the sweetness of in a very long time. It is a silence made up of comfort, of a pillow soft ease, a silence that is so comfortable with itself and me, it feels like bliss. They say that people that live in areas where there is a lot of sand know hundreds of words to describe the varying nature of sand. They say that people who live in very icy and snowy climates, have hundreds of ways to describe the snow and ice. I think I have experienced silence that way. It has been a part of me since I became fascinated by Lao-Tzu as a teenager, and since the fallout of my family's demise. In the first instance silence was a companion, a teacher , in the latter, a feared enemy. But what I experience today is a silence sweet as Muscat wine, warm, relaxing, healing, comfortable like a favorite fall sweater. It is a silence where I know I have finally reached a comfort zone within myself where Me and I are good friends, where I am comfortable with just the presence of me. There was a time where being alone felt like being in a straight jacket, oppressive, painful, as I was trying to shake the ghosts of the past. A silence of anxiety, sadness, anger, nausea. This silence today is soft, like my cat Sneakers chinchilla like fur. It is warm, like a good cup of green tea, it tastes dusty sweet like honey. It envelops me like a lover's embrace,accepting me, hugging me, all of me, the broken parts, the strong parts, the doubting and the secure me, the lost child and the warrior, the wife, the mother, the friend. It filters through me like warm light, seeing all of me, but not minding. This silence today has all the qualities of a good song, a good friend, a good meal. I did not think that the throbbing silence of anger and despair would ever leave me ,but today I know it did. I overcame it by not being afraid of the pain of the ugly silence, by facing my sorrow head on, by accepting, understanding, tolerating, praying, and finally, 7 years later, I can drink a cup of silence sweet as summer wine and experience a peace and inner happiness I thought had eluded me for good. Today is filled with a silence that rings through my heart like music from a harp so quiet but so real, I see it vibrate in the sun's dancing light.